Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Circling the drain.....

Things are seemingly going from bad to worse..... and I am not sure what I did to deserve it.....

Job hunt continues to go no where..... People who I thought were friends are turning their back on me..... Family seems to be losing faith in me..... And I am running out of reasons to get up and keep fighting..... I am growing oh so tired of being kicked over and over again.... All I want is the chance to get back to my feet so I can defend myself.... But the boots keep coming, and they seem to be coming faster and faster..... And I can't seem to block them fast enough..... I don't believe in a focused higher power, well at least not a specific one.... It could be god, it could be allah, it could be Joe Peschi for all I know..... but I am hitting a point where I am not sure what I did to deserve the current state of my life..... I have been nice, helpful, loving, supportive, loyal, and have done anything I can to help improve the lives of the people around me - weather it be carrying there groceries to there house or lending money or holding them when they need a place to cry....

If I believed in a focused house of worship at this point I would be turning my back.....

I understand that people must endure tests in their life, I understand this is part of becoming something greater.... but this test has been running for far too long and I think I have passed it..... and if I haven't - please someone tell me what I need to do.....


  1. Sorry to read that... It seems you have to reach the bottom before you can soar to the top. I'm a firm believer that if you are a good person, good will be returned to you threefold. We're here for you!! Don't ever hesitate to write here or email.

    Hang in there.

  2. *hugs* I'm so sorry hun.. I didn't realize things were so difficult.

  3. Right now it feels as if you are a punching bag and at the lowest point you could possibly be. But you are not. I'm sure you could examine your life and find some positive things happening. This is a scary time for you because you are without one important basic--a job, which helps us to gain the other basics in life (food, shelter).

    It's important that you stay positive because negative thoughts have a way of influencing our demeanor, behavior and personality. Don't let that happen, that's not something you want to project. You want to project confidence and positive outlook.

    You need to have structure and routine. This is possible without a job. You could set specific times to exercise, walk, volunteer, meet with groups, friends, participate in hobbies. This will keep your mind focused on something other than sadness and defeat. You have not been defeated.

    Good luck to you. Keep writing it out if it helps.