Saturday, June 19, 2010

Days to Stew.... I think I am ready to eat.....

I have spent the last few days tearing my month within the Harrah's organization down and rebuilding it piece by piece trying to figure out what I did wrong to deserve being terminated with no reasoning just "Sorry you are the weakest link, goodbye." I honestly had more hope for Harrah's as a company after listening to a few of my friends sing the praises of the company.... I honestly took the job seriously even though it was only a peon position.... it was a foot in the door - a place to start.... and honestly that's all I wanted and needed..... but after the way my "separation" was handled, I honestly was left with a lot more questions than answers. Did I do something wrong, Did I speak out of line, Was I rude to a guest, Did I do something wrong on the actual back end of money handling or some compliance issue? It could have been 100 things or nothing..... but I continue to analyze it getting more and more angry with every passing examination.

Harrah's is a massive multi-billion dollar organization so I realize to them I was just a tiny blip on a computer screen somewhere - but they have forgotten the human element, they forget for every slot machine that makes them money there is 2 humans at a minimum that keep those reels spinning, for every bet made on a sporting event - there is a human writing that ticket, for every spin of the roulette wheel, hand of 21, or toss of the dice.... there is more and more humans that are involved in the wheel..... and you might wonder where I am going with this, in our "orientation" which was nothing more than a 3 day pep rally of where Harrah's is awesome - we had the line "Get Me, Guide Me, Root for Me" drilled into our heads - the internal company motto for departments. Honestly at the end of the day this is nothing more than a feel good farce, your are nothing at Harrah's - you are nothing more than a number on a computer who does some task that helps the behemoth along.... a little grease on a wheel that keeps that income flooding in. Basically, when it comes down to it at the end of the day, all I want to know is a one word question.... "Why?" I was given no reasoning as to why I was being let go, I was given no write ups, or verbal warnings over my short month with the company, my cash drawer was accurate within 2 bucks over the month.... so I am not sure what I did that was so flawed that signed my walking papers....

I called my recruiter that started me down this path of wasted time to begin with.... And I asked her the same question "Why?" Does this mean that I can never work for Harrah's again? Does this mean I wasn't a "fit" in the department? She had no answers either..... Not that I expected her to.... she is just another part in the machine.....

But sitting off to the side of the road watching the machine roll off into the sunset I miss it, I miss the hustle and bustle of post time, I miss explaining bets to people so they could better understand what we did, I miss having a place to go, something to do... I miss the yet again delayed plans that I had lined up to get accomplished this year.... But would I ever want another spot in the Harrah's machine..... Honestly if I am never given the answer to my simple question of "Why?", I don't think I would ever step back on the Harrah's express..... They pick people up and give them hope and them drop them on their face with not a clue as to what they have done to have gotten there..... But I guess that's another day in modern society, where personality means less and less, pride means less and less, a naturally competitive instinct means less and less - and all people want you to do is sit down, shut up, and take your spot with the masses, grinding away in the heat and dirt while someone reaps the rewards of your labor..... but I guess that's just life.....

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Circling the Drain.....

I can feel a huge depression setting in...... I can feel my energy being sapped..... I am just sitting here...... filling out applications, hoping and praying a phone call comes as soon as possible.... cause i can't take this again..... it took everything in my power the last time to stop myself from just banging my head into the wall...... and this time i dont have that strength.....

The more things change - the more they continue to suck....

I walked into work at 8:35 this morning and was taken into my department directors office and was told I was being let go...... So after a month of thinking that things were turning around finally...... that bills were gonna get paid off, credit rebuilt.... for the first time in a year I was looking to the sky seeing a silver lining for a change..... should have known it was all a farce and soon enough I would be back where I was..... So here I sit..... 31 years old, and I honestly have no idea what I am going to do........

There are days that it just isn't worth breathing..... and I have those days more often than not it seems........ I don't know why I bother caring....

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Somedays you just have to laugh cause it beats the alternative.....

It has been a hectic week..... Work has had me from about 11am to 10pm most days - varying the times but nothing too drastic..... lots of hours, not overly busy.... so entirely too much time to sit back and ponder things.....

I have decided this week that I am going to talk to a doctor about medically assisted weight loss..... not the lap band or anything invasive - its a naturally produced hormone called HcG..... it is basically supposed to just send the bodys nature fat loss cycle into hyper drive and I it will give me the swift kick in the ass I need to get myself healthier.... I haven't weighed less than 300 pounds since Sept. 2001 - and this diet I have already had a friend on and she went from a sexy curvy woman..... she had an amazing face and a million dollar smile to this slimmed down sexy kitten...... she slimmed out so much that I almost don't recognize her as the same person.... it is amazing - but its a strict diet in unison with the hormones - but she has done it amazingly well :) I would venture to guess she has lost 60-70 pounds - and I am happier for her than anyone, she has been my person that I turn to when I have a shitty day or when I need advice on where to turn next for the last 2 years - and on top of it - I think I might have pushed her away with my negative outlook I have on life..... and it bothers me.... I have been trying to be a better person..... Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically - And its a slow process, but it has been a battle to stop my mind from taking the dark alleys and to settle for well lit pathways instead...... but I guess it is one day at a time, 1 hour at a time, 1 thought at a time..... but sooner or later I will get to where I want to be.... its just 1 thing at a time....... my goal now - lose the weight - how much - I want to lose nearly 100 pounds.... it will put me at about 265-275.... then I can safely hit the gym, and get buff and stuff with my afro puff...... what no lady of rage references this morning? After that it will be time to throw out clothes that don't fit..... then it will be time to be fashion inclined...... and then god knows what else..... maybe a new tv, a ps3, a mountain bike, a new cock ring..... something lol.....

But I gots to get my ass moving - work in less than 2 hours - so its time to shave my ass and wash my face..... or maybe that's the other way around......

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Alone on a sea of cheese.....

I finally got started back to work not this past monday - but the monday before...... so the 21st..... I did an orientation that was pretty cool - getting to adventure around the property I work at learning where everything is and some how I am still managing to get myself lost lol.... I spent 3 days in orientation shoving my head full of everything from policies to history of the company..... and I went straight from that to 4 straight days of on the job training in the sports book.... so needless to say by the time I got monday and tuesday off my cup runeth over with information.... so much so that I don't remember half of what I was told and taught.... but I am a quick study so I am getting the job fast..... got my first paycheck and it pretty much went straight to rent so I am living till the 17th where I have spent a majority of the last year... broker than hell.... but after that I can start working on the financial reset button I have needed so badly..... Pondering filing bankruptcy to complete my financial reset..... II have very little on my record that would hang around through it..... would drop my total debt from about 25k to about 2k and that I would gladly pay off and start to build a credit rating back up..... medical bills have devastated my credit rating in my adult life.... but with lack of jobs that are willing to give descent health insurance what can you do..... but finally with this job I should be able to put away 500-750 a month in my current rate of pay, etc. so we will see how I do.... my goal by the end of the year is to have 5k in savings..... so next year I might be able to take a vacation, go see my grandparents, or buy myself a gun and go on the rampage I dream about from time to time lol......

But regardless I didn't want to think I forgot you guys.... I will be around a bit more often..... finally getting my sleep in some sort of order - weird after 14 months of unemployment when I could wake and sleep as I damn well pleased.....

But as much as I would like to hang out here all day and meander through topics like a drunk on Fremont Street.... I gotta go get ready to work for the man.....

Talk to you all soon....